Marriage Equality: What Would My Ancestors Think?

It isn't uncommon that a United States Supreme Court decision impacts our daily lives as citizens of this country. The Court was created to sort out the conflicts of law and to align practices and procedures with our Constitution and its intent as our Founders envisioned.

But it isn't every day that the course of my life hangs on the decision of those who sit on that bench and who can determine whether or not I have the same rights as others. My partner of close to 13 years and I would like the benefits and protections of marriage which are offered to others.  That's all - plain and simple.

What I want in terms of marriage doesn't take anything away from anyone else. What I want doesn't demean anyone's marriage or make marriage a travesty. What I desire in having the right to marry doesn't really impact the rights of others. It doesn't mean you'll pay more for a car, a house or a latte. It really has little to do with you; but everything to do with me.

All I desire are the same protections that any committed, loving couple would received on a state and federal level. I want the same benefits in terms of taxes and inheritance. I want the same protections when it comes to health care and property rights. I want the same legal recognition of my relationship with another person.

And I wonder what my ancestors would make of all this. Would their thinking have evolved to a point where they could understand marriage equality? Perhaps they even knew of a same sex couple, even if they didn't understand their "lifestyle" or "choice." Of course I'd like to think that they'd understand any or all of the issues involved, but I've not deluded myself in such thinking. Many of my ancestors thought that enslaving others was permissible and that treating women as property was acceptable.

What I do know is this: my ancestors did evolve from such beliefs held by previous generations and were forced - sometimes even by court decisions - to recognize that the universe bends towards justice.

And so we live in a country where equality is not just a lofty goal set out in a 225 year old piece of paper, but a reality we all deserve to see in our own lifetime.

© 2013, copyright Thomas MacEntee

Unhiding The Past: Gay and Lesbian Ancestors

Today, October 11, is National Coming Out Day and every year I make an effort to honor those in my family tree who are not-so-easily found because of their sexual identity. I also "come out" to the genealogy community as a self-identified gay man.

I Am a Gay Genealogist

Or, perhaps "I'm a genealogist who happens to be gay," would be a better way to express that. Readers may or may not know that I am gay and that I've been "out" to family, friends and colleagues for over 25 years now. When I meet others in the genealogy field, whether it be online or in-person, I don't put my sexuality on the front burner.  Not only would that be inappropriate, in my opinion, but it doesn't define who I am in the genealogy world.

Being gay is something I'm comfortable with and if it comes up in conversation, so be it.  I've been on the receiving end of many different responses and reactions to my being gay, positive and negative, including:

• Isn't it difficult being a gay genealogist? Actually, no it isn't.  I encounter the same record sets, the same brick walls, the same everything that any other genealogist does.

• What about the Mormon influence on genealogy . . . have you had anyone avoid working with you because of your sexual identity? Yes, I've had several people and firms decide not to work with me, most likely due to the "gay" thing, but it isn't just limited to LDS folks. Sometimes people let their personal views impact how they interact with me.  It's a free country and as far as I'm concerned, it is their loss.
  
  And as I tell anyone who asks about genealogy and the involvement of the LDS church, I count my Mormon friends and colleagues as some of the best people to work with. Period. I've never had a harsh word towards me nor has there been any attempt to "convert" me in any way. Our focus is on genealogy and family history and we celebrate our common mission in making sure that everyone can find all their ancestors.

• Isn't a bit of an anomaly that a gay man with no children would focus on genealogy? I don't see it as odd and if you think that gay men and women don't have a sense of family, then you are mistaken. Many of us are raising our own children or we are a big part of the lives of our cousins, our nieces and nephews and other family members. Everyone has family. And everyone should have the ability to find out more about their family's history.

Ancestors: Come Out, Come Out

The ability to be integrated into society as a gay man or woman is much different than it was 50, 75 or 100 years ago. It is much easier for me than it was for those gay men and women who came before me. Have you ever wondered if someone in your family tree was gay?  Gay people are often left hidden in our family history, or family members just don't want to talk about them.

In my own genealogy research, my goal is to make sure that each person is fairly and wholly represented and  each on has an equal voice.

I'm Thomas. I'm a Genealogist. And I'm Gay.

Just in case you didn't know.  If this is news to you, now that you know, how are things different?  They aren't.  You just know more about me than you did a minute ago.  I'm still the same Thomas.

Photo: Joe and Friend, abt. 1936, Long Island, New York. Personal collection of Thomas MacEntee.

© 2012, copyright Thomas MacEntee

Civil Rights and Diversity: Serving Witness, Giving Voice

Miriam over at AnceStories2: Stories of Me for My Descendants has an interesting journal prompt this week. Entitled Civil Rights and Diversity, she asks her readers to write about the various challenges that families faced in terms of racial, religious or other forms of discrimination. And even if your family was not a target of such practices, if you remember other families, friends or neighbors who were told that they lived outside the margins of the rest of society.

Before I start I want to thank Miriam for this post and challenge. Very often as we pursue our own genealogy or family history research, we can do so with a set of "blinders" on and not realize what others may have experienced in our ancestors' communities. I've often wondered if my ancestors owned slaves or were abolitionists, if any of my female ancestors were suffragettes or women's libbers (that's a term I haven't heard or used for a while!), if any of my relatives practiced forms of discrimination or helped to break down barriers put up against others. I try to remind myself, from time to time, to step outside of "my family" and look around at what was going on at that time, then step back in and put my family in perspective.

What was the racial, ethnic, or religious situation in the community where you grew up? Was your family part of a racial, ethnic, or religious majority or minority? Were there differences in your community or family such as developmental disabilities, mental illness, or social class differences? Were there bi-racial or mixed-faith families?

I grew up in Liberty, Sullivan County, New York which is part of the Borscht Belt of Jewish resorts made famous during the 1940s and 1950s. By the time I grew up, the community had a very sizeable Jewish presence with a bakery and deli that closed on the High Holy Days. Our school also had off for Yom Kippur and Passover. Many of my friends in school were Jews and through them I became very familiar with religious practices and customs especially the Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah.

The concept of mixed-faith families was a hot button issue in the late 1960s as was mixed-raced families. Keep in mind that inter-racial marriage was still illegal in some states up until 1967. I knew several mixed-faith families and because of certain prejudices it often meant that there would be turmoil especially around holidays.

How did this affect you and your family? Did your family experience discrimination or prejudice, or were family members prejudiced against others? Have you ever feared for your life because of prejudice?

Growing up, my mother was one of the only divorced women in our town. This was at the time when the Roman Catholic Church no longer considered divorce a reason for excommunication from the church. Having attended parochial school for the first three grades, I always felt "set apart" when it came to interacting with other students. When questioned about my father and why he didn't live with us, I often declined to answer. Even I myself did not really understand it at that time in my live.

I have found quite a bit of prejudice, especially against Jews and Blacks in my family. My mother was a big advocate of taking me and my brother aside after a visit to relatives where someone made bigotted comments. She explained that those views were not shared by her or by open-minded people. She also made it clear that we were not to make those comments either. I think it is only actions like these that help break the chain of prejudice in a family.

In my research of letters and diaries from the 1940s through the 1950s, it is disturbing to see my relatives, some still living, use derogatory terms to describe others. It also puts me in a difficult position of deciding whether or not to include such terms when transcribing documents. As a family historian, as much as it may cause commotion and strife, I believe I need to be true to the document. And I shouldn't try to "explain away" why that person used such a term. I can, however, put it in context of the times, much as we do slavery in this country. It doesn't mean it was right, but it gives witness to the fact that it did happen, and that it had and still has consequences.

What were you taught about people who were different from you? Do you still believe this? Why or why not? If not, what made you change your mind?

Sometimes I still laugh at one piece of bigotry that a family member tried to pass on to me: that Jews had horns on their head. I never believed it, nor did I embarass myself by asking school mates to show me their horns. It was only in college that I found out how this bit of "urban legend" came about: as I studied Art History, I noticed a statue of Moses by Michelangelo. Moses is stunningly executed but also with horns on his head. Through my research I found out that Michelangelo relied on a translation of the Bible that mis-interpreted the Hebrew term karan (meaning "radiate light") to mean "grew horns" (similar to the Latin "cornutam").

Thankfully I am a true skeptic and live up to my first name. If I read or hear something which just doesn't fit for me, I am off to research it and try to get as many facts and differing points of view as necessary. My mother taught me to do this and to not accept at face value what people say.

Were there households in your neighborhood or community where a couple was co-habitating rather than being legally married? Were there gays and lesbians in your community? Or did you grow up in such a diverse household? What was your family's or the community's reaction to this?

Being gay I have a somewhat advantaged perspective on the LGBT issue. I am also the only self-identified (I dislike the term "out") homosexual in my family of over 100 living relatives. My family overall has been very accepting (I agree with Miriam on the use of the word "tolerant") and to be honest it is a non-issue. My partner (I'll call him Fang) and I travel home and visit relatives and are invited to gatherings and celebrations just as any couple would be. Since I made the decision in 1983 to be open and honest with my family about my sexuality, I am amazed at not only how far my family has progressed, but how the rest of society has as well.

But it wasn't always easy. While my family and work environments were always free from any discrimination or bigotry, there were times when school and even living with neighbors was difficult. Many don't know that for a short time in my life, I was a seminary student, and an openly-gay one at that. I was involved with a denomination that permitted LGBT people to practice ministry and thought, at that time, it was a career to pursue. I had my challenges but the seminary supported me 100 percent. And more recently, Fang and I were in a difficult situation with a neighbor involving some hateful behavior directed towards us. We eventually had to move out of our home but thankfully due to civil rights protections in Illinois, we were able to get a monetary settlement for what we endured for two years.

Do you remember the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s or the AIM movement of the 1970s? What about the Equal Rights Amendment or the AIDS epidemic? What were your feelings or thoughts on these matters? Did they affect you directly, and how?

I don't remember the Civil Rights Movement as much as I do the American Indian Movement or the push for the ERA amendment. And the AIDS pandemic was just beginning when I came out in 1983 and in the ensuing years it would affect me directly. I lost so many friends and acquaintances that I stopped writing names in ink in my address book. I couldn't stand to see so many people crossed-out especially when they were less than 40 years in age.

What do you remember about meeting someone for the first time who was different from you in some way? What preconceived ideas were dismantled as you got to know this person as an individual, rather than as a symbol of your differences?

While I didn't have any pre-conceived notions as to others who were different, I relished the opportunity to meet people of different races and faiths. Going to college at age 17 was an eye-opener for me, especially since it was in a culturally diverse city - Washington, DC. We all think of it as the capital of the United States but once you live there, you realize how many different cultures and faiths inhabit that area. I worked in jobs with many Ethopian, Somalian, and Filipino people - I enjoyed celebrating various holidays and sharing different foods.

If you are a person considered "different" by the mainstream, do you have a successful experience to share where you were able to change someone else's preconceived ideas about your diverse situation? How did that occur?

Being a "different" person (and I don't mind that term), I think being able to convince my family that I was still the same old Thomas has been my biggest success. I am able to show them that not everyone defines success as having a wife and children and that the word "family" represents different concepts to different people. I also believe that living my live in an honest fashion is the best testament to success - it helps to break down people's prejudiced views as to what a gay person is or how they act.

Are there any oral histories in your family about being able to vote or own land or other civil rights for the first time? What about stories were rights were denied? Are there events in your family history where ancestors or relatives triumphed over social injustice? Were any of your ancestors social reformers? Are you?

So far, my research has not turned up many social reformers or "agitators" as I like to call them. And then there is me. During the 1990s I was very involved with several movements including increased funding for AIDS research. I also was part of a group that stood vigil at the funeral of Randy Shilts (author of And The Band Played On) against actions threatened by the Rev. Fred Phelps and other members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas.

Race and Family History

This is what I call a "stumbled upon" topic. Last night I was wracking my brain as to what to write about today. Too early for Thanksgiving topics and I'm saving my Christmas memories for the Advent Calendar of Christmas Memories.

We went to dinner at some friends' house here in Chicago last night, in a neighborhood I had not heard of - Budlong Woods. It is named about the Budlong high school nearby. We had a great vegetarian dinner (there were so many allergies among the attendees that I could have made a killing selling benedryl and epi pens. Perhaps killing isn't the correct word). Squash soup with ginger. Organic green salad with pears, roasted walnuts and walnut oil, Vegetarian lasagna. And a killer dessert made of a pecan shortbread crust, cream cheese filling, pumpkin pudding and whipped cream.

We had a very diverse group and the discussion got around to racial slurs and what you heard family members use as a kid. I won't go into exact details since I don't think such terms have a place these days, but we talked about what terms were used to describe certain people of certain races. And how overhearing these terms affected us.

I was impressed that several people stated that at some point their parent or parents sat down and told them, "You may have heard Uncle Dan say the word ________. This is not a nice word and here is what it means. We don't use words like that to describe ________ people. It isn't right."

Several of us grew up in families with no encounters with black people until much later in life. To this day, one person's family has never had a black person in their house. Another person didn't understand the word "colored" as a child and promptly began drawing on his skin with a crayon and told his mother he was "colored." Someone else's first encounter with a black person was at a carnival. The ticket taker handed over tickets and my friend, as a young boy, saw that the man's palms were almost white. So he theorized that the color of the skin on black people wore off over time.

The discussion also touched on diversity and how children today seem to be exposed to many more races and types of people including LGBT people. Much of it is how mass media handles race and sex nowadays.

I grew up in a family where grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins didn't have black, latino, asian or native american friends or acquaintances. The only encounters were usually in public as merchants, tradespeople or service people. I think the lack of exposure, and the way mass media worked back then allowed a greater sense of misconceptions about other races as well as racial slurs.

I'd be interested to hear from other genea-bloggers on the issue of race - how it affected your family or you growing up. Are there or were there any interracial marriages in your family tree?

Photo: Rosa Parks, Birmingham, Alabama, December 1, 1955

The Hidden - LGBT Family Members and Genealogy

The photo above was found in The Box earlier this year and must have come from either my great-grandmother (Therese McGinnis Austin) or my great aunt (Ethel McCrickert Hannan) when I cleaned out my mother’s house. On the back, it is marked in simple script: Joe and “Friend”. My guess is the date was around 1936 given the swimsuit style and the size of the photo.

Again, it’s a shame that I don’t have more information about these two men, arms around each other, enjoying a day at the beach, probably Coney Island or Jones Beach in New York. In past posts I’ve bemoaned the fact that many of the photos in The Box are not labeled. And while this one is, it is not labeled in a way that helps me identify Joe or his “friend.” Remember: label pictures with full names, not “Auntie Em” or “Uncle Fester.” You may know the people but will the person who later comes across the photo know them?

Who were these men and are they somehow related to me? Were they just good friends or in a relationship? Perhaps the fact that they were in a relationship is indicated by the “quotes” around the word friend and the fact that I can’t get any information from family about them.

As I’ve discussed the plight of women in genealogy, a similar story can be drawn about our lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered (LGBT) family members and how, and if, they appear in our family histories. It really is up to the researcher to make sure these people have a voice and a place in the family tree.

My Perspective

I’m gay (in case you haven’t figured that out yet – and my family knows because they’ve seen how I walk) and have been with my partner for close to eight years now. We have registered our Domestic Partnership in Cook County, Illinois, a legal option afforded to all couples regardless of sex, in the same bureau that handles marriage licenses. I have also reflected this in my genealogy database using Family Tree Maker software. To me it is a no brainer – it seems natural to me in a family history to try and identify how your ancestors lived, worked, worshipped, and had relationships with other people. But the topic of including LGBT people in genealogy research opens up a Pandora’s Box of issues at the very root of what genealogy is or is not.

This posting is not some part of the “homosexual agenda” or because I feel like going on a rant today. This posting comes from my actual encounters with data and photos during the journey of tracing who I am and where I come from.

The Challenge

How do you handle the following relationships or situations when performing genealogy research?

• Same-sex Relationships
• Civil Unions or Gay Marriage
• Same-sex Divorce
• Gender Reassignment
• Genetic Parents vs. Responsible Parents

Genealogy or Family History?

Technically, genealogy is how one studies and traces a family pedigree by collecting information (names, dates, etc.) and establishing relationships between these people, all supported by documentation or evidence. Family history usually involves genealogy data but researchers tend to include more information such as oral and written interviews, photos, etc. in order to portray that person as a round character as opposed to a flat one.

There are many researchers who go by a strict interpretation of genealogy and refuse to track what they define as “non-traditional” (and in one case “aberrant”) relationships outside the perceived norm of man and wife. The various arguments made, all of which don’t hold water with me, include:

• Genealogy is meant to trace pedigree and blood lines only.
Oh really? Then perhaps it might be better for you to use a software program from the AKC and use the terms “stud” and “dam” instead of male and female.

• You should only document legal marriages.
Legal by whose definition? Inter-racial marriage was not legal in all 50 states of this country until 1967. Does this mean that the relationship between these two people should somehow be diminished or seen as “less than”?

• Genealogy only tracks relationships that produce children.
Is that so? So what do we do about “outside children” that the father has produced with that other family across town or across the country? What do we do about “childless marriage” such as a woman of non-child bearing age who marries late in life or for a second time? What do we do about a woman who is a surrogate mother for relatives or friends who can’t conceive a child?

Very often genealogy and family history are used interchangeably as is common these days. I guess if I had to delineate my work between one or the other it is developing my family history. The genealogy side of blood lines, dates, etc. has always bored me and in my mind doesn’t adequately represent that person or their relationships. But invariably when you draw lines, margins, and distinctions some people are inside and some people are left outside.

Same-Sex Relationships Have Always Existed – This Is Not New!

It’s a fact and just because a person doesn’t approve or agree, it won’t go away. What we see in modern society are 1) advances in technology that allow people to benefit from having children via surrogate mothers, artificial insemination, etc.; and 2) societies and governments willing to offer to all its citizens the same benefits of marriage that have historically been reserved only for the man and woman marriage.

And these “non-traditional” relationships have existed through history in different forms, forms often not talked about or hidden away. And in order to dispel any notions that, heaven forbid, these were sexual relationships between two people of the same gender, terms such as “Boston marriage” or “romantic friendship” were developed. While we may not yet have evidence that a couple such as Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed had a sexual relationship, such a relationship exists in the realm of possibilities and you have to wonder what, if any, evidence has been destroyed, hidden or altered.

The reality is we just know more now about these types of relationships and the motivations behind them than we did years ago. The same as what we know now about slavery, what we know now about indigenous peoples, what we know now about the environment.

Research Obstacles

As a researcher, many times you want to take data and information as it is for the sake of expediency as well as other researchers citing the same data and documentation. But researchers are also investigators and when I notice relationships or data that “just ain’t right” or “seems odd,” parts of me want to just stop and go down that sleuthing trail. Perhaps the birth certificate was forged or changed years after the birth to cover up a family secret? Perhaps that auto accident wasn’t just an auto accident. As Vera Donovan says in Dolores Claiborne: “Husbands die every day, Dolores. Why... one is probably dying right now while you're sitting here weeping. They die... and leave their wives their money. I should know, shouldn't I? Sometimes they're driving home from their mistress' apartment and their brakes suddenly fail.” I guess I just live up to my first name and the “doubting“ that always goes with it. I’m a skeptic through and through because it makes for better research.

Very often while conducting research or talking with living family members, I hear some “code words” or see some non-verbal language which raises a red flag that some more research is required and perhaps to not take the information at face value. Terms such as “outside family,” “Boston marriage,” or “she was odd,” don’t always pop up and aren’t generally used. But I will see terms like “friend,” “took care of each other,” “had a special friendship,” or “was very dear to him,” used. I look for hidden meanings, read between the lines and try to find out the exact nature of the relationship. Then I decide if it can be documented or warrants inclusion in my family history.

But It’s Uncomfortable!

Yes it is uncomfortable to discuss certain issues or relationships when building a family history. There have always been concerns about listing relationships which include children conceived outside the marriage, incest and even inter-racial marriage and same-sex relationships or gender reassignment. Just as there are some researchers concerned about ancestors who were slave owners or who beat or even killed their wives, children, husbands, sisters or brothers. This will never change.

But think of how uncomfortable it must have been for my ancestors who experienced these relationships or situations. I’d like to think that in the cases of same-sex relationships or gender issues that the person was not uncomfortable with their life and the essence of who they were. But they most probably were made uncomfortable by the society around them for whom they chose to love or how they expressed their true being. They didn’t have the ability to have voices back then, the way we do now. Oh sure, there were pioneering people such as Harry Hay and John Burnside, Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas, Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon and others. But many didn’t have that opportunity or freedom. They deserve to have their voices and I intend to give that back to them through my research.

I include information on past slave owners in my family, for instance, in order to understand more about society norms at that time, what my ancestor did or didn’t do about slavery, etc. It is called history in context. I find slavery abhorrent, just as I do infanticide or domestic violence but it doesn’t give me the right to avoid including it or discussing it with family members. There are ways to include the information for future researchers that may not directly agitate or anger living relatives:

• Can your genealogy software keep certain items private or password protected, such as research notes?

• If not, can you reference a document in Microsoft Word or some other software that you can password protect?

• Add a note such as: “There are various conflicting facts concerning this person/relationship. Please contact [your name] at [your email address] for more information.”

• When someone does contact you and wants to discuss the issue, determine that person’s need to know, how they might react to the information, and what they intend to do with the data.

Responsibility of the Researcher

As researchers we’ve all encountered or uncovered situations or information that can make other family members uncomfortable: old love letters written to a woman that wasn’t your grandfather’s wife; photos of people that “just aren’t talked about;” and birth certificates or death certificates that just don’t match up to family stories or previous research.

• Avoid judgmental or moralistic terms such as “aberrant”, “tranny”, “alternative lifestyle,” or even archaic terms like “Uranian”. Do some research on sites such as Wikipedia on same-sex relationships, gender identity disorder, etc. and you’ll find that the common terminology includes terms such as lesbian, gay, transgender, gender reassignment, domestic partnership, etc. And please don’t use POSSLQ because that’s just wrong.

• Just stick to the facts ma’am. That means if you receive information about Joe and “Friend” try to find out, in a tactful, non-judgmental way, if friend is really code for lover, partner, or if in fact this was a war or college buddy.

• Don’t attempt to excise facts to protect people nor should you try to make unsubstantiated family secrets become facts.

• What do you want to leave to other family members or researchers in the form of your work? Do you want it based on honest facts and documented research? Or data that has gone through your personal filter of views and values?

To Judge or Not To Judge?

This entire topic of how to recognize same-sex relationships in genealogy and family history research has been raging for years. A typical discussion will often start with a basic “how to” question about a specific software on a message board and then snowball into a petty, judgmental, holier-than-thou discussion about such topic being a sign of the End Times or how this country is going to hell in a hand basket. Dick Eastman, of Eastman’s Online Genealogy Newsletter presents some interesting facts about same-sex relationships and the children of same-sex partners.

The Role of Genealogy Software

I guess I was lucky when I chose Family Tree Maker as my software to track my research. In a brief check of currently used programs including Legacy, Roots Magic, Family Tree Maker, The Master Genealogist and others, some programs allow you to either note specific relationship types such as Partnership, Civil Union etc. or create your own custom relationship tags and indicators. And some software programs have a policy of not offering anything besides the man marries woman relationship.

Family Origins
You can create your own “fact types” besides pre-defined fact types.

Family Tree Maker
You can select from several relationship types including Partner. But instead of marriage, the fact appears in the Individual View as “meeting.” You can also create your own customized relationship facts such as Domestic Partnership.

The Master Genealogist
Program allows customization of marriage facts.

Legacy
You can specify your own words for Spouse and Marriage such as Partners and Domestic Partnership.
Also see Denise L. Moss-Fritch’s site on how to alter Legacy for gender changes.

Roots Magic
You cannot use other relationship types or customize for same-sex relationships. On the Roots Magic message boards there has been quite a heated discussion using terms such as “aberrant relationships” and discussing whether people trace genealogy (as in genes) or family history.

Personal Ancestral File
Program does not recognize same-sex relationships or allow customization of marriage facts.